Crumbs From the Corner: Adventures in Woolgathering

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Complimicated



"Minus one minute and counting," I said. "Slowly rotate the second dial- the second!- don't adjust the other five- two degrees to the left. But be careful."
"Copy that," was Spouse's prompt response.
"All systems ready," I said.
"Standing by," said Spouse.
The machine then sprang into action with an invasive, highly audible, most unsettling tick tick tick.
We waited anxiously amid a whir and blink of red beams and green lights and mechanics that we ordinary mortals could not hope to understand.
tick tick tick
I said, grasping the tome of an instruction manual with two hands, "on page 309, paragraph 71, it states that at the end of the shade function cycle, the indicator light should go off imminently and you should, if you performed the entire procedure correctly, hear a bell chime. Be most careful when in direct contact with this machine as severe bodily injury is likely on account of the heat source."
tick tick tick
"I see," said Spouse. "Do you think we ought to be wearing protective clothing, then? Goggles and gloves?"
"Probably."
"Well, I'm really glad we plan to take that six-week seminar. We can't do this alone. We need professionals."
"I agree. We're not made for this. It's what Mater would refer to as complimicated. Get ready. Don't touch anything until the bell rings and the display goes completely blank."
tick tick DING
"Ah," said Spouse as the very note sounded, "there we go. The toast is ready."
"Extract the toast with caution," I said.
"Copy that," said Spouse.
"Would you like butter," I asked, swiping droplets from my brow and mourning the era of simplicity, "or marmalade?"

4 comments:

julochka said...

oh the things they do to avoid lawsuits...i wonder what effect it's having on the dumbing down of the world...

TheElementary said...

Yes- they feel they have to specify everything now to avoid trouble. A certain chocolate company I like- its best product is called a Dairy Milk Bar, and for nearly a hundred years there's been a picture of a glass of milk on the front; now they've had to add the words "Contains Milk" on the front, in case people didn't know. What's really to be said about that?

The Texican said...

Why must everything be so complimicated these days? I went to buy a new cell phone the other day and left with my old one. I had no idea what all the features were on the new phones. The salesman directed me to one with large buttons and large print on the screen. I suppose it had an extra loud speaker too. Pappy

TheElementary said...

Texican, if you can find a phone that makes calls, you're lucky. That's an added feature these days. You might have to pay more for that bonus.

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